Relationships Keep Breaking Up?

I recently received an interesting letter from
a reader:

"Hey Michael,

Quote: "When the right girl comes you will know"
or "What's meant to happen will happen".

Can you spend some time talking about "feelings"?

I know it's a huge subject so let me give you
something specific.

I have been noticing that I consistently cannot
hold a relationship for longer then 3 months
and this is with a reasonably good girl, for
some reason my attraction fuse burns out FAST!

I know I have attraction to the girl when I
first meet her and I know i'm attracted to her
while we're dating but then the feelings go away.

I have been following your material for a few
years now and getting better at picking the
right type of ladies but for some reason I get
this strong gut feeling that I am not suppose
to be with this girl and my attraction is
poof just gone.

Once that occurs I look for a way to get out
of the relationship. I can honestly say that
I have been crazy attracted to girls who
wouldn't give me the attention I so craved
for and I was able to withstand years of
torture and heartache.

I have learned and maybe its wrong, but
I have learned to use my feelings as a
compass or guidance system, i get a thought
and then I feel that thought, if that thought
makes me feel good I go for it but if it feels
bad I think about it for a while, ask the
right questions and in the end I act on it
- the feeling is sooo strong that I must
obey and address it or I just CANNOT function
through the day until its satisfied.

My question is this...why the hack is it
that when we find a good girl who fits all
the criteria we get bored of them?

I just broke up with one amazing girl but
she just didn't "do it" for me, how can
this be I keep asking myself over and over?

I truly thought and hoped it would work out
and wanted it to but then it (my feelings)
went completely south.

Is it the lack of sexual/mind stimulation?
is it because we (men) like the chase or
is it because it just didn't feel right
which, in turn makes you act up on it?

I want to stop hurting women and stop breaking
their heart's, I feel so bad when it happens
but I also know its part of the dating process.

I spent 2yrs and still do working on myself
and being secure in myself so if and when
i do get my heart broken I could deal with it
and wont be destruct by the breakup.

With girls once you have sex with them
they think that's it, this is the guy
I will be with for ever.

I don't want to be an old lonely man who's
been breaking hearts all over the city
(my community is small and everyone knows
one another, due to my rep if I keep doing
this I will need to move to a new city
or country lol).

Hope to get some feedback..."

Kyle T, Miami

***MY REPLY***

Okay, there's a ton of things to respond to
in your email, so I'll hit the MAIN points:

1. The only way to KNOW when the right girl
comes, is by knowing what you REALLY value,
and this comes from some deep soul-searching.

Trust me, once you do this work, and you
THEN meet such a woman, you KNOW.

You KNOW because it's a RARE occasion,
and you fully realize how precious that
occasion is.

This is not the same thing as just getting
another attractive girl, it's a girl who
truly is compatible with your values and
who is also someone you feel attraction
for on all levels.

Sexual attraction in many ways actually
becomes DEEPER over time when you can
look in her eyes and know that this woman
is truly a woman of valor and always
has been in your life.

There is no such thing as love at first
sight, as I'm sure you already know,
however it doesn't take that long
to know what values a woman has,
if you are keeping your eyes and
ears open to everything she is doing.

2.
Regarding:
"What's meant to happen will happen".

I know what you mean by this saying,
and my thoughts on this are that this
saying has done a bit more damage
than good, because it makes a lot
of people PASSIVE rather than active
in finding and being with the right
person.

It will only happen if you do your
part to make it happen. The rest
is like sitting around waiting
to win the lottery.

3. You mention that relationships fizzle
out after 3 months. I'm wondering how
long you are spending with this person
BEFORE entering into a relationship
with them.

How well are you getting to know them
BEFORE getting into a relationship?

Taking the time to determine a woman's
values can often help you avoid wasting
time on women who will not work out
to be good matches.

Could it be that the attraction and
chemistry you felt, then made you
fall for the "halo effect" thinking
that these women were more virtuous
than they actually were?

You mentioned "a reasonably good girl",
why go for reasonably good? Why spend
your precious time with a woman you
deep down only feel is REASONABLY
good? This doesn't sound like you
truly feel this is FANTASTIC person.

That sounds like a time-bomb waiting
to happen. If it STARTS out as only
reasonably good, then that's not going
to sustain the relationship long term.

The feelings go away because they
are not truly based on something
solid to begin with.

This "strong gut feeling that I am not suppose
to be with this girl and my attraction is
poof just gone" sounds like the reality is
that you SENSED this on a level even at
the beginning.

Imagine telling your future children,
"Yes, your mother, she was a reasonably
good girl, so I married her and had you
kids".

I'm not saying you have to go this far,
to this extreme, but I'm trying to make
my point clear, that the reality is that
you actually KNEW right away, that these
girls are only SO-SO, they are not, at
least in your heart, truly GREAT GIRLS.

The craving the affection of girls that
wouldn't give you the time of day is
something you want to EXORCISE out
of your system, and the best way
to do that is to REFUSE to go with
women that you know really deep
down you aren't that passionate
about, they aren't truly what you
believe in. They are only
"reasonably good".

Right now, though, your feelings
and instincts have been distorted,
as a result of giving into the
temptation to go out with women
you really know you shouldn't
be going out with. This makes
you feel weaker and you then
are more likely to do it again,
and again, and this is why
right now you need to NOT
RELY ON YOUR EMOTIONS, because
your emotions now are not
in the right state.

STOP going out with women you
know in your gut are not really
the right ones, and you will
see your state of mind become
infinitely more powerful, and
your instincts far more sharp,
they will be SCREAMING out
the right messages on who
to date and who not to date,
and THEN you can rely on your
emotions and feelings.

But right now, you have to do
some re-wiring by changing your
behaviors, and forcing yourself
to NOT go with the women you
know you shouldn't be going
with. This will build you up.

The wrong feelings are right now
so strong because you have given
into these wrong feelings a lot.
Each time you do it, they get stronger.

But each time you resist, you get
stronger to CONQUER those feelings
and you will soon feel REPELLED
by the wrong behaviors in women,
rather than feeling tempted,
no matter how "hot" she seems.

No more "reasonably" good girls, only
GREAT girls for you.

When you're passionate about your love
and your desire for a woman, you never
feel that she is "reasonably good".

You would feel she's GREAT.

You will not get bored when you find
the right woman who fits all the criteria,
however, if you let low-self esteem creep
into your soul, then you will feel the
need to validate yourself by seeing if
you can get other women.

When your self-esteem is skyrocketing,
however, you never feel the need to
get validation that way, because you
ALREADY feel validated.

This is why 99% of "players" refer to
women in very robotic terms, that strips
the emotion out of it, it's because they
are afraid of emotions, and it all becomes
a game of numbers, it's got nothing to
do with women, it's to do with ego
and low self-esteem.

So, in conclusion, you must figure out
exactly what your own values are, and
decide if those are the values you want,
and if they are, you must then find a
woman who is compatible with them.

Regarding girls, there are definitely
many promiscuous girls, that won't expect
a relationship just because you slept
with them. It's not my cup of tea,
but there are definitely women out
there like that, so you don't have
to feel the pressure to lie to women
or hurt them if this is what you want.

Finally, regarding:

"I spent 2yrs and still do working on myself
and being secure in myself so if and when
i do get my heart broken I could deal with it
and wont be destruct by the breakup" I think
that working on yourself is a GREAT THING,
but the purpose of this is not just to
prevent DISASTER, but it's a more positive
thing as well- so that you can be the kind
of man that can make the BEST of a GREAT
relationship and a great woman!

Being secure doesn't just protect you
from pain of a breakup, it is what
NOURISHES a great relationship!

Being insecure will destroy a great
relationship.

I'm absolutely not judging you here, as
I have been through great pain as well,
I'm just saying that from the way you
are speaking, it might be a sign that
you have been through IMMENSE pain with women,
and again, I must say that I TOTALLY
UNDERSTAND THAT and went through
the same thing.

However, I think that pain is the REAL issue
here, and it's possibly interfering with
your behaviors with women now.

I can't say for sure without speaking to
you more, but I think that maybe these
fears are affecting your decisions to
go out with women that you know aren't
going to work out anyway. It's almost
as if you are SETTLING for women that
are not GREAT, because deep down you
feel there are NO great women out there
anyway, so you figure you may as well
go out with these "reasonably good"
women instead.

DON'T DO THIS.
Don't settle when it comes to CHARACTER,
EVER, EVER, EVER.

When it comes to other things, it's cool
to have some flexibility to some degree,
but when it comes to matters of PRINCIPLE
in their CHARACTER and VALUES, then
NEVER SETTLE.

Hope this helps...

Best,

Michael